Why You Don’t Have To Be Strong

Musings about strength ~

I thought I would share my thoughts.

Why do we feel the need to be ‘strong’ all the time?

Is it because of loved ones past reactions when you were honest, open and vulnerable? Were you shut down in the past? Is it because you don’t want to confront the feelings you are suppressing that so badly want to come to the surface and be released. Is there shame around crying for you and being sensitive? Did your parents tell you that you need to be strong or to toughen up growing up or were you rewarded only when they felt you were?

The reality is, what is perceived as being strong is culturally accepted and celebrated in our society. We are conditioned to believe this is a positive attribute from a very young age. The only time I have observed complete freedom to express emotion without any concern of judgement is from small babies, young children and maybe at a women’s healing circle or post group meditation discussion.

How many times have you had to force yourself to leave the house to run errands. Walking feels like running through mud. Tears are welling up in your eyes. You have a lump in the back of your throat. Yet when someone, whether it be a stranger, acquaintance or a friend asks if you are ok. You tell them everything is great, or maybe even fabulous! This was just an example. Everyone is going through something whether it be a chronic illness, grief, depression, anxiety or stress from the inevitable challenges life throws at us.

How often do you feel comfortable sharing your truth and the realities of what you are going through?

I personally have always felt the need to be ‘strong’ and withhold details of my suffering because I didn’t want to worry anyone. I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want anyone to make a fuss. I didn’t want anyone to know that I wasn’t ok. It just made me feel so uncomfortable being honest! Even though I would divulge certain details they were always sugar coated, masked with fake laughter, a smile and a lighthearted statement to dismiss any of the details I had shared.

One of the core reasons I did this I recently identified is because I am a people pleaser and care way too much about what other people think of me.  I was conditioned to want others to see me only as the carefree, fun loving party girl I once was (who was secretly suffering). Little did I know was that my loved ones actually love me unconditionally. They love all shades of me. A really beautiful and pivotal moment occurred when I was struggling one day and a dear friend told me that her love and the love of our friends surrounding us was unconditional. It is funny how one small comment can change everything. I also think change came from falling in love with myself, the real me. Letting go of all identities.

It takes so much strength and courage to be vulnerable, open, honest and to share from the heart in our society. I feel it is much harder for men and I want to acknowledge this.

Something I think we need to remember as we shift from being the sharer and the listener in our relationships is that what people share with you is important to them. What we share is important to us. Something seemingly insignificant to you could be an important share for another. It’s important to practice active listening always.

How do we create change?

I believe it starts with having the courage to be real, raw and honest with family, friends and lovers. Even though it is extremely scary and takes you out of your comfort zone. Being vulnerable, open and honest = strength.

I understand this comes with the risk of not feeling heard, seen and understood by a loved one. Which is so scary. Especially if it is someone very dear to you. But it also comes with the potential to make you feel heard, seen and understood. Which is healing and transformative.

Although there may be people you love who do not appear to be able to hold space for you, listen without judgment and be present, this is generally a reflection of their own internal reality and deep suffering. Sadly we must accept that some people are not ready to face their own struggles and therefore often the suffering of others. On the other hand being open is contagious! There is a high chance that if you take the plunge and share from your heart, the other person will too. Even if it is at a later date. You have started a trend!

When it comes to being the one holding space for another and listening to a loved one open up, it is important to remember that your active listening ear and presence are the most important and precious things you can offer them. You do not have to fix anything. You do not have to offer them anything. Of course you can if you feel it is appropriate at the time.

In our modern world I do feel (because of shortening attention spans due to the use of technology) people find it harder to practice active listening and presence. I know I am guilty of this and I feel like using a smart phone has contributed. I am now making a conscious decision to limit the use of my smart phone.

My intention for sharing my musings on this subject is I want to start the conversation. I wanted to share my thoughts. I would love for you to contribute by commenting below or sharing this post.

With love, Amy x